What Kids Can Learn From American Idol

I have fond memories of watching television programs with my family as a child. We laughed, shed tears, and cheered for our heroes. Those were cherished times, and valuable because of the things we learned and shared together. Unfortunately, opportunities to bring the whole family together for “TV time” are much harder to find today.

That's why I enjoy American Idol. While some may quibble about the sarcasm and mean-spirited comments of the judges, particularly Simon Cowell, it truly is a show enjoyed by people of all ages. In fact, I believe American Idol can be a good teaching tool for parents when it comes to imparting some important life lessons to their children. Here are some that I found very helpful to jumpstart conversations with kids:

Hard Work Pays – While many people are born with natural talents like singing, that talent will only get you so far in life. However, through hours of practice, a good singer can often become a great one. Often, contestants on American Idol were rejected in previous years. All have indicated that their hard work had paid off in helping them make it through “to Hollywood” this year

Be Adaptable – Singers on American Idol who are standouts in one musical genre often have trouble performing in styles outside of their comfort zone. The demands of the competition, much like life, favor individuals who can adapt to the situation at hand. While you may prefer one specific style, one activity or one skill over others, it pays to be able to do a competent job in many areas without losing focus on that in which you excel.

Be Well-Rounded - Yes, American Idol is a singing competition. However, contestants who are good dancers, display a sense of humor or simply stand out because they speak very well during their interviews, have had an edge because they display a greater range of talents and skills. The reality is that the best singer doesn't always win. In life, and on American Idol, it is one's entire presentation that counts.

Be a Team Player – Over the years, many American Idol contestants who seemed to be among the best singers in their auditions failed miserably during the group performances in Hollywood. The ability to work cooperatively with others, even during a competition like American Idol, is a positive attribute that will translate well to other aspects of life.

Be a Gracious Winner-- From swaggering end zone dances in football to chest thumping and grandstanding by winners of other events, what ever happened to being humble and respectful to fellow competitors? The reality is that no one wins all of the time, so it pays to behave in a responsible manner during the times when we come out on top.
And a Good Loser-- It can be incredibly difficult to teach children how to handle their disappointment, sorrow, even anger when faced with being on the losing side. The competitive drive that often leads to victory can betray the best of us in defeat. However, the ability to cope with life's inevitable losses is an equally important statement about growing up.

Take Constructive Criticism – I have never been sure that American Idol contestants really understand when Randy Jackson tells them their performances are “pitchy.” At least when Simon Cowell says they sound like a bad karaoke performer, his message is pretty clear. Comments that provide constructive criticism, whether you are an American Idol contestant or not, can be important and valuable in reaching your full potential. Learning how to acknowledge and make constructive use of another person's perspective demonstrates a willingness to improve. While the unconditional love and praise of parents can instill confidence in their children, sometimes the world is less inclined to be so supportive. No one is perfect, and we all can grow by taking criticism in a positive way.

The "Me" Generation

Jean Twenge and W. Keith Campbell just released their excellent book “The Narcissism Epidemic,” which concludes that this is the most narcissistic generation ever and points the finger at today’s parents. I am delighted that this book has been written and that this subject is starting to get some play. I have been screaming about this trend for years and am worried sick that we are raising kids unable to cope with the vicissitudes of life. An assortment of attitudes and behaviors that exemplify this trend include:


1. Everyone gets a trophy. Excellence can’t be singled out for fear that the other kids feelings will be hurt.


2. Parents suing school districts if their child fails or gets suspended.


3. Kids under age five getting expensive electronic game systems (replaced, of course, as soon as an upgrade becomes available).


4. Kids being over scheduled with activities because parents want to make sure they don’t miss anything.The kids themselves don’t even know what they really enjoy anymore!


5. Birthday parties costing hundreds if not thousands of dollars.(What happened to having a few close friends over your house and playing hot potato?)


6. A fully paid 4 year college tuition to a good school plus room and board is considered a right, not a privilege.


7. Always letting the child win in competitive games.


8. General lack of discipline…parents are afraid to discipline their kids.


9. Kids getting toys they want right away. Kids today never get the sense of what it means to really wish for something and wait(sometimes years) to finally get it.


10. Parents telling coaches how to coach and teachers how to teach. Notion here is that it is always someone else’s fault if a child isn't succeeding.


11. Parents think it is their job to prevent their kids from being BORED. When did boredom get such a bad rap? Last I checked, lots of great things start with being bored(See DR. Seuss Cat in the Hat!) This rushing in to "cure" their kids boredom leads to a culture of addiction to "new" "better" "faster" and "bigger".


12. General lack of focus on social skills, etiquette and respect for adults.


I could keep going of course. So why is this all so bad for kids? The biggest problem I have with this is that it prevents children from learning how to deal with real life. If they are never allowed to feel frustration, or boredom, or the pain of losing a game, how can they develop skills to cope with it? They can’t and won’t. Second problem s that they never learn to value anything.They never have to wait a long time to get something they want, so when they get it, it is not really big deal. Next, is that they don’t learn how to make their own way in life. They expect the world to conform to their needs, and if the world does not conform, then certainly Mom or Dad will fix it for them. I fear this will produce a generation of lazy children totally lacking in self motivation and creativity.
I applaud the authors who have the guts to point out where we are going wrong as parents and recommend that all parents read it!

“SUPERNANNY” Is Required Viewing

Have you ever watched the TV show “SuperNanny” on WABC? If you haven’t you are missing some great parenting advice!

I have watched about 10 episodes of “SuperNanny” and I have to say that I think it is an excellent demonstration of proper parenting skills. First, the Mom viewer usually feels relieved right away because the behavior of the kids on the show is usually worse than what she is dealing with at home! Then, we get to see how these “monster” behaviors demonstrated on the show can be changed. If you watch the show regularly, you will see that the Nanny enacts the same principles regardless of the behaviors:

1. Mom and Dad have to be on the same page in trying to change the behaviors.
2. When the parents lead, the child will follow.
3. Be firm, consistent and organized.

No matter the age of the child or the “bad behavior” in question, the Nanny has the same intervention using these three basic principles. This is good for us Moms to see because it helps us believe that it is really possible to make sweeping changes,

In my years as a parenting consultant, the number one issue that gives parents grief revolves around bedtime. Often, it is that the kids are sleeping in the parents’ bed and they cant get them out, the kids wont go to bed, or they wake up in middle of night and want Mom or the Mom has to either hold or lie down with the child until he falls asleep. It is easy to understand how the over worked and overtired Moms have gotten themselves into the situation (I have been down this road too!) Universally, once the situation is bad, Moms feel it is impossible to get out of it. In fact, the dread of how bad it is going to be to try to change it is responsible for inaction for a very long time! In our Mom brain, we also think that our situation is very complicated and filled with “special circumstances”. But, also universally, once the Mom sets her mind to changing the behavior, she is pleasantly surprised that it was not as difficult as she expected.

This is where I think watching SuperNanny can really be helpful! Seeing these 3 simple principles enacted over and over in some extreme situations is a great tutorial. Even if you are one of the few lucky parents that have it all under control, it will serve as a great reinforcer!

Give Madonna the Child!

News story broke today that Madonna was denied her application to adopt a second child from Malawi. The reason stated is that it would set a bad precedent to change the rules for Madonna.

First, I am not a fan of Madonna, so my opinion is not influenced by my feelings for her. But, to me, it is a no-brainer to let her adopt this child!

Lets go over some of the “opposition” to this adoption:

1.If Madonna is allowed this adoption, the courts will waive the 18-month residency requirement for prospective adoptive parents. "We are delighted that the courts have upheld the law of the land - weak as it is," said Mavuto Bamusi, head of Malawi's Human Rights Consultative Committee (HRCC). "[The courts have] avoided setting an example that would have opened the floodgates for people to come and take children from Malawi. Open the floodgates? One can only wish that would happen. Over 1 million children are currently in orphanages!

2.The rules should not be broken for a celebrity. Can you think of a better reason to break the rules than saving the life of a child?

3. A child of Malawi should not be robbed of his/her “culture” by being raised in America. The life expectancy in Malawi is 40. One in five children die before age five. What good is being “with your native people” if you can only live to age five?

The problem with all these objections is that none of them look at the situation from the point of view of the child. If they did, this child would be with Madonna as we speak. Unfortunately, most court systems (ours too, sad to say) do not make decisions based on the best interest of the child. Parent’s rights and the interests of “the state” come first. I am not quick to anger, but this infuriates me! We have seen the videotape of an adoptive child being torn away from the only parents he has known at age four because a “biological parent” comes out of the woodwork to claim the child and a court grants it. Same problem here; what is best for the child is not first concern. It should be!

Athletes Behaving Badly

It has become common to hear stories about well-known athletes behaving badly. Lets see. We have Plaxico Burris carrying and firing an illegal weapon in a crowded venue; Michael Vick runs a complex illegal operation where dogs are routinely and cruelly tortured and killed for pleasure and profit; lost count of how many arrested for assault on their wives and on and on. We also see professional players who behave disrespectfully on their team (skipping practices, saying bad things about their coaches or team members publicly). I am CERTAIN that these bad apples were years in the making and started with their parents!


My 13 year old son plays baseball and hopes to play for a good team in college and dreams of “making it” to the big leagues. He watches all the games of his beloved Yankees, plays himself every day, and watches sports talk shows. I think that these frequent stories about athletes behaving badly has actually helped groom him to be a player with respect for the game, his coaches, his team mates and himself. It feels like we are always talking about these stories and it gives us a great opportunity to reinforce the values my husband and I are trying to instill in him. Kids do hear these stories but I don’t think it influences them half as much as their parents do. If a child behaves in an unsportsmanlike way he deserves to be dressed down, certainly by his coach. If not, then his parents MUST! If this happens consistently, then do not worry. Your child will not grow up to behave like Plaxico Burris! Most kids usually just need one severe consequence, a few at most, to never behave that way again.

All too often however, we see parents who not only condone their child’s bad behavior in the field but also actually encourage it. Over the years we have seen parents shouting nasty things to kids on the other teams, coaches that encouraged their players to cheat, players that refused to shake hands. What is going on? Can the good mothers get together and say “NO MORE”!

The bad news is that if you think you are going to get help out there to raise an athlete with upstanding ethics- forget it! The burden falls almost completely on us!

Immunities In Doubt

Since starting Thinkertots 12 years ago, I have had the pleasure of meeting many hundreds of children. In the last five years, I have noticed something about the general health of today’s children. It seems to me that there is such a high incidence of asthma, allergies, ear infections, and developmental disorders. I started polling parents and asking, “When you were a kid, did you know anyone that had asthma? Did you ever have an ear infection? Did you know anyone who was allergic to peanuts?” and other questions like this. More often than not, the answers are No, never and never. It just makes we wonder if something is going on with our kids immune systems.

When I think about some of the things that seem different about kids growing up today compared with thirty years ago the following comes to mind:

1.We would be outdoors most of the day, usually unsupervised, playing in dirt, mud, puddles and grass. Now kids just don’t spend the whole day outside, and when they are outside we are watching and usually stop them from doing lots of things.
2. Everybody drank tap water.
3. We went swimming in oceans, lakes, rivers and creeks and public pools with God knows what impurities and toxins were in it.
4. We didn’t have antibacterial soap, hand cleansers and were not obsessed with cleaning our hands.
5. We didn’t take something for a fever unless it was over 102 degrees.
6. We did not take as many antibiotics.
7 .We ate more fresh food.
8. We exercised more (Sometimes by force! In the summer, my parents would literally “lock us out” of the house when they thought we were lying around too much!) We rode our bikes everywhere. Now we won’t let our kids ride anywhere where we “can’t see them”. What is the point of the bike?

I could keep going but I think you get the point. Now the disclaimers: I am not a doctor. I know these are different times. I am not saying that anyone is doing the wrong thing.

I am just making some observations and wondering if our obsession with protecting our kids from all the world’s dangers may have led to some unintended consequences.

No More Rhianna and Chris Browns

Singer Rhianna's boyfriend Chris Brown beats the daylight out of her and she takes him back. Great! I am sure many of you Moms out there hear these stories and hope and pray that your children never end up in a situation like that. I sure do. There was also a focus in the media about the “effect” on kids of seeing this drama played out before their eyes. The thinking is that seeing a beautiful, talented young woman like Rhianna stay with this jerk may make kids think this behavior (of both them) is OK.

I actually think it can be useful for our kids to hear about these troubling stories, if we use the opportunity to talk to them about it. I asked my 9-year-old daughter what she thought about it and she said, “I wonder what she did that made him so mad?” This led to a discussion about how abusive people don’t need a reason to be violent, they just are violent. That led to the discussion about how once a person becomes violent, it is almost impossible to change and that the only option is to get away from that person. This is a hard concept to grasp because we also teach our kids to be “forgiving” and to “give him another chance”. Now we have to throw in that this is the exception to the rule, that violence is so bad and dangerous that there can be no second chances. Guaranteed- within the next year or two there is going to be another story she hears about, then we can go back over this again! Such discussions can help shape how she thinks about the subject.

But talking about it alone can't prevent it. The biggest influence on kids in this regard is what they see played out between their parents (mostly) and other couples they see regularly. The relationships our kids see modeled become their starting template for forming their own relationships. Kids pick up on everything. Subtle cues. Gestures. Overtures. Body language. Tone of voice.



I asked some school age kids this question, “Think of all the famous couples that you know of. Now if you had to bet on which of these famous husbands you think is really good and kind to his wife, whom would you pick? I got “Barack Obama” from several kids who gave reasons like because he “always says her name in speeches, includes her, smiles at her, hugs her and is not afraid to show his affection in public:” Another said, “Brad Pitt” because "he went along with Angelina adopting all those babies.”



I then asked kids the same question about couples that they really know. They did and when asked why they chose that couple they said things like, “They hug a lot”, “I never saw him raise his voice to her, not even once”, “He is always helping her with things” “He goes out and gets her coffee and takes her car to be washed” and “He doesn’t call her bad names”.

These kids are pretty darn smart, don’t you think? They picked up all this from people that are NOT their parents. So you know that they are picking up tons of info every day right in their own home. I know it is scary to think of how influential we really are, but it is the truth.

If your kids are five or older, ask them these questions. It will be enlightening and will usually lead to more talking (which is great!)