It has become common to hear stories about well-known athletes behaving badly. Lets see. We have Plaxico Burris carrying and firing an illegal weapon in a crowded venue; Michael Vick runs a complex illegal operation where dogs are routinely and cruelly tortured and killed for pleasure and profit; lost count of how many arrested for assault on their wives and on and on. We also see professional players who behave disrespectfully on their team (skipping practices, saying bad things about their coaches or team members publicly). I am CERTAIN that these bad apples were years in the making and started with their parents!
My 13 year old son plays baseball and hopes to play for a good team in college and dreams of “making it” to the big leagues. He watches all the games of his beloved Yankees, plays himself every day, and watches sports talk shows. I think that these frequent stories about athletes behaving badly has actually helped groom him to be a player with respect for the game, his coaches, his team mates and himself. It feels like we are always talking about these stories and it gives us a great opportunity to reinforce the values my husband and I are trying to instill in him. Kids do hear these stories but I don’t think it influences them half as much as their parents do. If a child behaves in an unsportsmanlike way he deserves to be dressed down, certainly by his coach. If not, then his parents MUST! If this happens consistently, then do not worry. Your child will not grow up to behave like Plaxico Burris! Most kids usually just need one severe consequence, a few at most, to never behave that way again.
All too often however, we see parents who not only condone their child’s bad behavior in the field but also actually encourage it. Over the years we have seen parents shouting nasty things to kids on the other teams, coaches that encouraged their players to cheat, players that refused to shake hands. What is going on? Can the good mothers get together and say “NO MORE”!
The bad news is that if you think you are going to get help out there to raise an athlete with upstanding ethics- forget it! The burden falls almost completely on us!
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Immunities In Doubt
Since starting Thinkertots 12 years ago, I have had the pleasure of meeting many hundreds of children. In the last five years, I have noticed something about the general health of today’s children. It seems to me that there is such a high incidence of asthma, allergies, ear infections, and developmental disorders. I started polling parents and asking, “When you were a kid, did you know anyone that had asthma? Did you ever have an ear infection? Did you know anyone who was allergic to peanuts?” and other questions like this. More often than not, the answers are No, never and never. It just makes we wonder if something is going on with our kids immune systems.
When I think about some of the things that seem different about kids growing up today compared with thirty years ago the following comes to mind:
1.We would be outdoors most of the day, usually unsupervised, playing in dirt, mud, puddles and grass. Now kids just don’t spend the whole day outside, and when they are outside we are watching and usually stop them from doing lots of things.
2. Everybody drank tap water.
3. We went swimming in oceans, lakes, rivers and creeks and public pools with God knows what impurities and toxins were in it.
4. We didn’t have antibacterial soap, hand cleansers and were not obsessed with cleaning our hands.
5. We didn’t take something for a fever unless it was over 102 degrees.
6. We did not take as many antibiotics.
7 .We ate more fresh food.
8. We exercised more (Sometimes by force! In the summer, my parents would literally “lock us out” of the house when they thought we were lying around too much!) We rode our bikes everywhere. Now we won’t let our kids ride anywhere where we “can’t see them”. What is the point of the bike?
I could keep going but I think you get the point. Now the disclaimers: I am not a doctor. I know these are different times. I am not saying that anyone is doing the wrong thing.
I am just making some observations and wondering if our obsession with protecting our kids from all the world’s dangers may have led to some unintended consequences.
When I think about some of the things that seem different about kids growing up today compared with thirty years ago the following comes to mind:
1.We would be outdoors most of the day, usually unsupervised, playing in dirt, mud, puddles and grass. Now kids just don’t spend the whole day outside, and when they are outside we are watching and usually stop them from doing lots of things.
2. Everybody drank tap water.
3. We went swimming in oceans, lakes, rivers and creeks and public pools with God knows what impurities and toxins were in it.
4. We didn’t have antibacterial soap, hand cleansers and were not obsessed with cleaning our hands.
5. We didn’t take something for a fever unless it was over 102 degrees.
6. We did not take as many antibiotics.
7 .We ate more fresh food.
8. We exercised more (Sometimes by force! In the summer, my parents would literally “lock us out” of the house when they thought we were lying around too much!) We rode our bikes everywhere. Now we won’t let our kids ride anywhere where we “can’t see them”. What is the point of the bike?
I could keep going but I think you get the point. Now the disclaimers: I am not a doctor. I know these are different times. I am not saying that anyone is doing the wrong thing.
I am just making some observations and wondering if our obsession with protecting our kids from all the world’s dangers may have led to some unintended consequences.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
No More Rhianna and Chris Browns
Singer Rhianna's boyfriend Chris Brown beats the daylight out of her and she takes him back. Great! I am sure many of you Moms out there hear these stories and hope and pray that your children never end up in a situation like that. I sure do. There was also a focus in the media about the “effect” on kids of seeing this drama played out before their eyes. The thinking is that seeing a beautiful, talented young woman like Rhianna stay with this jerk may make kids think this behavior (of both them) is OK.
I actually think it can be useful for our kids to hear about these troubling stories, if we use the opportunity to talk to them about it. I asked my 9-year-old daughter what she thought about it and she said, “I wonder what she did that made him so mad?” This led to a discussion about how abusive people don’t need a reason to be violent, they just are violent. That led to the discussion about how once a person becomes violent, it is almost impossible to change and that the only option is to get away from that person. This is a hard concept to grasp because we also teach our kids to be “forgiving” and to “give him another chance”. Now we have to throw in that this is the exception to the rule, that violence is so bad and dangerous that there can be no second chances. Guaranteed- within the next year or two there is going to be another story she hears about, then we can go back over this again! Such discussions can help shape how she thinks about the subject.
But talking about it alone can't prevent it. The biggest influence on kids in this regard is what they see played out between their parents (mostly) and other couples they see regularly. The relationships our kids see modeled become their starting template for forming their own relationships. Kids pick up on everything. Subtle cues. Gestures. Overtures. Body language. Tone of voice.
I asked some school age kids this question, “Think of all the famous couples that you know of. Now if you had to bet on which of these famous husbands you think is really good and kind to his wife, whom would you pick? I got “Barack Obama” from several kids who gave reasons like because he “always says her name in speeches, includes her, smiles at her, hugs her and is not afraid to show his affection in public:” Another said, “Brad Pitt” because "he went along with Angelina adopting all those babies.”
I then asked kids the same question about couples that they really know. They did and when asked why they chose that couple they said things like, “They hug a lot”, “I never saw him raise his voice to her, not even once”, “He is always helping her with things” “He goes out and gets her coffee and takes her car to be washed” and “He doesn’t call her bad names”.
These kids are pretty darn smart, don’t you think? They picked up all this from people that are NOT their parents. So you know that they are picking up tons of info every day right in their own home. I know it is scary to think of how influential we really are, but it is the truth.
If your kids are five or older, ask them these questions. It will be enlightening and will usually lead to more talking (which is great!)
I actually think it can be useful for our kids to hear about these troubling stories, if we use the opportunity to talk to them about it. I asked my 9-year-old daughter what she thought about it and she said, “I wonder what she did that made him so mad?” This led to a discussion about how abusive people don’t need a reason to be violent, they just are violent. That led to the discussion about how once a person becomes violent, it is almost impossible to change and that the only option is to get away from that person. This is a hard concept to grasp because we also teach our kids to be “forgiving” and to “give him another chance”. Now we have to throw in that this is the exception to the rule, that violence is so bad and dangerous that there can be no second chances. Guaranteed- within the next year or two there is going to be another story she hears about, then we can go back over this again! Such discussions can help shape how she thinks about the subject.
But talking about it alone can't prevent it. The biggest influence on kids in this regard is what they see played out between their parents (mostly) and other couples they see regularly. The relationships our kids see modeled become their starting template for forming their own relationships. Kids pick up on everything. Subtle cues. Gestures. Overtures. Body language. Tone of voice.
I asked some school age kids this question, “Think of all the famous couples that you know of. Now if you had to bet on which of these famous husbands you think is really good and kind to his wife, whom would you pick? I got “Barack Obama” from several kids who gave reasons like because he “always says her name in speeches, includes her, smiles at her, hugs her and is not afraid to show his affection in public:” Another said, “Brad Pitt” because "he went along with Angelina adopting all those babies.”
I then asked kids the same question about couples that they really know. They did and when asked why they chose that couple they said things like, “They hug a lot”, “I never saw him raise his voice to her, not even once”, “He is always helping her with things” “He goes out and gets her coffee and takes her car to be washed” and “He doesn’t call her bad names”.
These kids are pretty darn smart, don’t you think? They picked up all this from people that are NOT their parents. So you know that they are picking up tons of info every day right in their own home. I know it is scary to think of how influential we really are, but it is the truth.
If your kids are five or older, ask them these questions. It will be enlightening and will usually lead to more talking (which is great!)
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Can Our Kids Benefit From This Lousy Economy?
Lets face it. Almost every American has suffered in some way since the economy tanked. We also been told that “It is going to get worse before it gets better” and “things will never really be the same again” Naturally, moms like me, start thinking about what this really means for our kids. Well, I have some rare good news to report! There are some very definite “positives” that I see already.
There has been a mental shift. While it originated in fear and anxiety, the result is that many of us have gotten of the rat race of “MORE” and “BETTER” and “BIGGER” and “been there, done that, so what is next?” People took stock of their situations and realized that they feel lucky if they can just stay exactly where they are at for a long time. After the initial shock of that, I think that people’s behavior has started to change. We are spending more time at home, with our families. We cut out spending on things that are not really necessary, and putting our resources into our kids education and things that will benefit us long term. We are playing cards and board games instead of going to the Mall. We are eating more meals at home, with our families, probably talking to them a lot more too! We stopped keeping up with Joneses. The Joneses have their own worries. Since we are not planning vacations, looking at the next car we want to buy etc, we may just be less distracted by things that aren’t really all that important anyway. Parents that are there, both literally and mentally, are GOOD FOR KIDS.
If we are ditching the “More” mind set, we are likely going to replace that with the ‘Saving for a rainy day” concept! That is a line we haven’t heard people say in a long time. Those folks who lived “beneath their means”(the rare few) surely aren’t looking so dumb right about now. Teaching kids how to “wait” a long time for something they want instead of automatically getting it on their birthday, is not cruel and unusual punishment! In fact it is GREAT for them!
Tom Brokaw wrote about “The Greatest Generation’ which were those who grew up during the Great Depression. yet by hard work and delayed gratification, turned America into a superpower. Clearly, the hard times they endured created people with great tenacity and character. Maybe these hard times will help shape our kids in some extraordinary ways too.
There has been a mental shift. While it originated in fear and anxiety, the result is that many of us have gotten of the rat race of “MORE” and “BETTER” and “BIGGER” and “been there, done that, so what is next?” People took stock of their situations and realized that they feel lucky if they can just stay exactly where they are at for a long time. After the initial shock of that, I think that people’s behavior has started to change. We are spending more time at home, with our families. We cut out spending on things that are not really necessary, and putting our resources into our kids education and things that will benefit us long term. We are playing cards and board games instead of going to the Mall. We are eating more meals at home, with our families, probably talking to them a lot more too! We stopped keeping up with Joneses. The Joneses have their own worries. Since we are not planning vacations, looking at the next car we want to buy etc, we may just be less distracted by things that aren’t really all that important anyway. Parents that are there, both literally and mentally, are GOOD FOR KIDS.
If we are ditching the “More” mind set, we are likely going to replace that with the ‘Saving for a rainy day” concept! That is a line we haven’t heard people say in a long time. Those folks who lived “beneath their means”(the rare few) surely aren’t looking so dumb right about now. Teaching kids how to “wait” a long time for something they want instead of automatically getting it on their birthday, is not cruel and unusual punishment! In fact it is GREAT for them!
Tom Brokaw wrote about “The Greatest Generation’ which were those who grew up during the Great Depression. yet by hard work and delayed gratification, turned America into a superpower. Clearly, the hard times they endured created people with great tenacity and character. Maybe these hard times will help shape our kids in some extraordinary ways too.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Is Hannah Montana A Good Role Model?
Hannah Montana, the Disney channel’s wildly popular TV show about a “tween” pop star, has become a marketing goliath targeting girls aged 6-14. As the mother of a 9 year old girl, I can tell you that in my house right now are Hannah Montana clothes, playing cards, lip balm, folders and notebooks, music CDs, and several movies. I think you get the picture!
I took a closer look at the show and its star, “Miley Cyrus”, to see whether my daughter admiring this icon was a good or bad or thing. I was expecting to find it a horror show of superficial values and began thinking of how to break it to my daughter that I was going to limit her “Hannah" TV time. Instead, I actually liked it and thought it was a good show for girls. Here’s why:
1. Hannah /Miley does not look like a Barbie doll. She is kind of skinny, no curves to speak of, not a real beauty. Kind of like, well, most girls that age. I say, “GREAT!!” The last thing young girls need is some impossible standard of beauty to try to meet. There is enough of that out there for them to combat.
2. Miley/Hannah has a healthy relationship with her father. The father is clearly in charge, and Hannah has chores, curfew, limits, and consequences for bad behavior. She shows proper respect for her father, yet their relationship allows for her to be able to talk to him about her feelings. These are all good things!!
3. Although Miley has an alter ego when she becomes “Hannah”, the show does a good job of showing that Hannah’s life as a superstar is not her real life. Hannah Montana is something that she does, not who she is. She is Miley, who is struggling to find herself just like everyone else her age. Young girls can easily think that all their problems would be solved if they became rich and famous. The show proves that wrong in every episode.
4. Finally, I think that Hannah Montana tells girls that GREAT THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! If a young person has talent, practices and has the determination and discipline to turn that into commercial success- it can happen!
I am glad I took the time to tune in. Now I don’t cringe as much when I see my daughter sitting in front of the TV, saying the words of dialog along with the actors because she has seen the episode so many times!
I took a closer look at the show and its star, “Miley Cyrus”, to see whether my daughter admiring this icon was a good or bad or thing. I was expecting to find it a horror show of superficial values and began thinking of how to break it to my daughter that I was going to limit her “Hannah" TV time. Instead, I actually liked it and thought it was a good show for girls. Here’s why:
1. Hannah /Miley does not look like a Barbie doll. She is kind of skinny, no curves to speak of, not a real beauty. Kind of like, well, most girls that age. I say, “GREAT!!” The last thing young girls need is some impossible standard of beauty to try to meet. There is enough of that out there for them to combat.
2. Miley/Hannah has a healthy relationship with her father. The father is clearly in charge, and Hannah has chores, curfew, limits, and consequences for bad behavior. She shows proper respect for her father, yet their relationship allows for her to be able to talk to him about her feelings. These are all good things!!
3. Although Miley has an alter ego when she becomes “Hannah”, the show does a good job of showing that Hannah’s life as a superstar is not her real life. Hannah Montana is something that she does, not who she is. She is Miley, who is struggling to find herself just like everyone else her age. Young girls can easily think that all their problems would be solved if they became rich and famous. The show proves that wrong in every episode.
4. Finally, I think that Hannah Montana tells girls that GREAT THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! If a young person has talent, practices and has the determination and discipline to turn that into commercial success- it can happen!
I am glad I took the time to tune in. Now I don’t cringe as much when I see my daughter sitting in front of the TV, saying the words of dialog along with the actors because she has seen the episode so many times!
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