Singer Rhianna's boyfriend Chris Brown beats the daylight out of her and she takes him back. Great! I am sure many of you Moms out there hear these stories and hope and pray that your children never end up in a situation like that. I sure do. There was also a focus in the media about the “effect” on kids of seeing this drama played out before their eyes. The thinking is that seeing a beautiful, talented young woman like Rhianna stay with this jerk may make kids think this behavior (of both them) is OK.
I actually think it can be useful for our kids to hear about these troubling stories, if we use the opportunity to talk to them about it. I asked my 9-year-old daughter what she thought about it and she said, “I wonder what she did that made him so mad?” This led to a discussion about how abusive people don’t need a reason to be violent, they just are violent. That led to the discussion about how once a person becomes violent, it is almost impossible to change and that the only option is to get away from that person. This is a hard concept to grasp because we also teach our kids to be “forgiving” and to “give him another chance”. Now we have to throw in that this is the exception to the rule, that violence is so bad and dangerous that there can be no second chances. Guaranteed- within the next year or two there is going to be another story she hears about, then we can go back over this again! Such discussions can help shape how she thinks about the subject.
But talking about it alone can't prevent it. The biggest influence on kids in this regard is what they see played out between their parents (mostly) and other couples they see regularly. The relationships our kids see modeled become their starting template for forming their own relationships. Kids pick up on everything. Subtle cues. Gestures. Overtures. Body language. Tone of voice.
I asked some school age kids this question, “Think of all the famous couples that you know of. Now if you had to bet on which of these famous husbands you think is really good and kind to his wife, whom would you pick? I got “Barack Obama” from several kids who gave reasons like because he “always says her name in speeches, includes her, smiles at her, hugs her and is not afraid to show his affection in public:” Another said, “Brad Pitt” because "he went along with Angelina adopting all those babies.”
I then asked kids the same question about couples that they really know. They did and when asked why they chose that couple they said things like, “They hug a lot”, “I never saw him raise his voice to her, not even once”, “He is always helping her with things” “He goes out and gets her coffee and takes her car to be washed” and “He doesn’t call her bad names”.
These kids are pretty darn smart, don’t you think? They picked up all this from people that are NOT their parents. So you know that they are picking up tons of info every day right in their own home. I know it is scary to think of how influential we really are, but it is the truth.
If your kids are five or older, ask them these questions. It will be enlightening and will usually lead to more talking (which is great!)
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
Sad to say that this even happened and unfortunately its not the first time we witness this in our soceity. I did notice one thing while I was reading this. All of your blogs set a common tone. That being,"we are our childrens first line of defense" as you stated in a previous blog. My question here is why is her father standing behind her decision to reconcile with him? He should be trying to protect her and reassure her that this can and probably will happen again.
ReplyDeleteAbuse comes in many forms and no matter what nature it is I feel no one deserves it. Especially my children. If I don't abuse my kids than why should any one else. Which is why I would be going out of my way to save her from any future outbursts. Yes, we do love our children unconditionally but not agreeing with them on certain situations is not showing them that we do not love them but showing them that we do by trying to help them.
Growing up I always got hit for bad behavior. A slap on the hand or on the behind. Being raised Italian we got "the wooden spoon" and/or "soap in your mouth", if we spoke inappropriatly. Not that I don't love my parents but I don't agree with such discipline. I choose not to hit my children, although sometime I feel like using "the wooden spoon" LOL. To me I feel that this can or will help them later on in life by teaching them that physical abuse is not the rational thing to do.
Fortunately my children were'nt raised seeing such behavior in the house so for them to see this whole thing unfold was strange. I read in an article that Chris Brown witnessed his father hitting his mother. I guess the apple doesnt fall to far from the tree.
Sometimes I feel that my kids, especially my 7 year old, will pay more attention to news like this than something more enlightening for her age. She is also much more inquisitive. Reason being is she doesnt see things like this happen in our house. Being her parent I cant enforce to her enough that this is completely uncalled for and as her parent this is what I am supposed to do. Teach her. I can only hope and pray that she is smart enough to never end up in a situation such as Chris Brown and Rihanna.
Yes, kids are smarter than we think. For instance, my youngest one who is 21 months old. If she see my other kids getting in trouble she tries to protect them by telling us to stop. She also diffuses the situation because you see this little person yelling "stop it" or as she says "bop it!". They pick up a lot even at the tender age of 21 months.